Today it truly feels like I’m failing.
When we went to bed last night, the house was clean. Today, before 10am, it was a disaster.
Laundry bins are overflowing.
I yelled at my daughter this morning.
She yelled back.
My potty trained two year old peed on the floor.
It’s after lunch and there are still breakfast dishes next to the sink.
My baby boy won’t take a nap. And when he had been quiet for fifteen minutes, some sweet little granny rang the buzzer of our apartment building’s security door, hoping I would let her in. I’m sorry, little woman, I will not let you in. I don’t know you, but more importantly at this moment, you just made my baby boy un-quiet.
Aren’t these the days you need your baby boy to take a nap? Well, yes, they are. I think they know that and just like to see how close to the edge they can push you. Lucky they are so cute.
I feel overwhelmed and like I don’t have the energy to keep up with my life. How can I say that I am tired at any given moment, on any given day, and it be totally and utterly true? Tears-about-to-stream-down-my-face-true.
With three kids under five, I bet people assume it’s true and aren’t surprised. And I know that’s part of it. But it feels deeper. It feels like my soul is tired.
I know there is only one place to go for my source of life, energy, and inspiration. I can go to the One who made me. Who knows me. Only He will satisfy my weary soul. He has promised me this. And He always keeps his word.
And I remember that He understands. He has seen all sorts of people in all sorts of circumstances. And He has knit me together, knowing me more intimately than any one else could. He also walked this earth and felt my feelings. He understands.
And I remember that He loves me. When I think of how much I love my children and realize he loves me that plus so much more than I could ever understand, I’m overwhelmed. The good kind of overwhelmed because I am loved.
And I remember He gives grace. He doesn’t actually care that my house is a mess or that I haven’t done everything on my to-do list. But how many days to I live like He does? I am constantly trying to earn a love I did nothing to gain. And I am constantly told the lie that I can lose something I never had to earn. No, I am covered by His grace.
These are the feelings and lies that make my soul weary.
Tomorrow, I will probably be tired. The laundry bins will still be full. And I will need nap time as much as the kids do.
But, right now, I have hope. I have hope that the One who sustains me will touch my weary, dried out soul and refresh me because he has promised to do so. And I will feel His love and grace wash over me.